Well let's see where to begin??

I don't guess anyone really reads this anymore seeing how I stopped writing and the only ppl who did read it didn't have a reason to continue.....Here goes nothing...literally.

Well I think since my last entry many things have changed. I am gay. I changed my whole life for someone...and it all seems to be biting me in the ass. My family...ok so some of them know...some are oblivious...others probably pretend to be naive...and some well one doesn't speak to me now. I risked losing so much for her. I could have kept our relationship a secret, but that was raising hell with my system...I don't deal with stress well...and hiding your sexuality isn't exactly a cloud ride.

She said I was different. She said she knew she could be with me forever...we were going to raise a family together. We were going to travel places near and far together. Soul Mates and best friends. But now she needs her space, like a flip of a switch. I swear only a month ago she was so excited (if she wasn't genuinely excited I couldn't tell) about a cruise we were planning for May because we were going to make a big hoorah about making it past the 2 year mark...look at us now. She needs space to figure stuff out. She needs to deal with things on her own right now. While all along I tried to get her to talk to me...tell me what was wrong. She held it all in until it exploded and turned into a huge bash Jamie vent session. I did nothing but try to help make things easier for her...and she didn't appreciate any of it...well if she did I didn't notice.

She hates working retail so for the longest time...during my free time at work I would look for jobs that would interest her, she was qualified for, and had good benefits. Of course a person can only do so much for another without actually taking their identity and applying someplace for them...so the most I could do was let her know about the jobs and help her update/make a resume. I couldn't go online and fill out her application. Another stressor in her life...she is currently renting a place which is fine, but she noticed that she had the money and cushioned job she decided to look into buying a house. So all along I help her find houses in her price range/area/size...everything that she wanted/needed in a first home. Of course I did all of this with in the back of my mind the idea that one day I could be moving in with her. So she promises she would never buy a house I didn't like. She wouldn't make any decision without me giving a nod first...which was really sweet of her considering me. So we go out on quite a few occasions with my dad's GPS and look at the houses/neighborhoods of houses we have chosen to look at. She uses my computer to look up houses and then when the time comes for her to go with the Realtor she says...I don't want you to go it would be weird. Excuse me? Oh right its weird because I'm your girlfriend apparently someone you want to spend your life with, and its weird. Oh yeah now I remember...its because the Realtor is actually your old manager...who you admit had a crush on you....and recently came out. Ohhh Now I see the weirdness.

It just hurt that I could put so much time and effort into something only to get nothing in return not even a silly house viewing.

I must continue this later I have to get some sleep.

Well it has almost been 3 months since my last entry. Can I say I love that I have been so busy I haven't had time to worry about updating people I don't even know with the happenings in my life...

This summer was amazing...I had so much fun.

I went to Colorado for 2 weeks at the end of May...That was AMAZING!!!!! we went to Estes Park, Elitches, shopping, shopping, shopping, bike riding, four wheeling!!!, and CAMPING. it Snowed in MAY!! it was so much fun!!

I worked at the City County Building all summer in the Risk Managment dept. I loved it!! I worked with my Aunt everyday...and she's a pretty cool lady. The last 2 weeks I was there I actually worked for Larry Martin...the Senior Finance Director for the City of Knoxville! I was big timing it that's fo sho!

In July I went to the beach for a GREAT 2 weeks....the week of the 4th I was with my family in Myrtle Beach. We had a really great time...The second week I was with Jess Dougan's fam...They are sooooo much fun! I loved every minute of it. I didn't want to come home..

I got my dang wisdom teeth out the beginning of August :-(...I hated it&Loved it at the same time haha...The pain was no fun but that didnt come til a week after...the drugs were very nice...Of course with my luck I got an infection in the needle trac where they numbed me...and I had inflammed muscles...but again drugs are nice.

I haven't had a job since before I got my teethers out...which means the monetary flow is a no go. BUTTT GOOOD news. my aunt let me know the Special Events dept. at the City is looking for an intern!! all I have to do is take in a resume. because I already know most of them I should get the job!! annnnd since its an internship they work around my school sched! and its a pretty penny also..I can't complain when I have jobs just handed to me can I?

speaking of school....I really wish I just knew what I wanted to do...I hate going to classes...they aren't for me. I know I can't do anything in life really without some kind of degree...I also know employers don't even really care what your degree is they just care that you stuck it out for four years...I may throw in the extra year to impress them even more...

I'm addicted to ellipses...

I have an annotation due in lit class thursday, a biology test friday, who knows about sociology {it is online so I just forget about it}, speech is so much fun.

I am painting my room very very soon!! I'm so excited...gray and dark pink. I'm going super mod. art deco I'm so excited! I'm using some pictures I took of paintings at the MET as inspiration...it will be great!!

First I just have to finish painting Jory's new room...he has a UT based design UT orange and white walls! its fun...but its just taking a while to get it all finished...

My boyfriend is really great...we have some really awful cry your eyes out times...but we talk through them well sometime yell through them...but what counts is we make it.

It's been over a year and I love him very much. He may be crazy or I may be but maybe that's what we both need right now?

I also have the best friends in the entire world!! They are there for me when I need to cry..or need to laugh...I just love them. They also make parties super fun! Who could ask for anything more? Not me.

Well Life is Good right now LG :)

I forgot how much I liked blabbing on this thing....these colors aren't awful either.

Surgery went well...Grandma will be in the hospital for a few more days....then therapy starts. Thank God.

I start my new job on MONDAY! AHHH scary.

My mom and aunt Carol are kinda freaking out because this is how they started out...and each of them have been at KUB and the City County Bldg. for almost 30 yrs. oh dear. I am JUST a TEMP. Just a temp. that's all.

I have 2 finals...one Monday at 10:00 and one Wednesday  at 12:30. THEN I AM HOME FREEEEEE

Mom Alicia and I are going to Charleston on Friday just to say goodbye to school and hello to SuMmEr!!! well hello to new job and summer school for Alicia. haha...So basically its just a break for us.

I also found out today that I'm not going to get paid until the 3rd week in May, but I am perfectly ok with that...because it means a hefty pay-check!!

My new bicycle is in customs in Cali. which mean I won't get it until about the 15th of May....I'm sooo Sad because I thought it was supposed to be here at the end of this month. LAME. oh well...Doc knows I am anxious to get it so he will be quick once it gets here!!

My aunt finds out *HOPEFULLY* what the sexes of the babies are on Monday. oh dear oh dear I'm sooo excited!!!! YAY!

Ok that's it..

Later.

My grandma is having surgery tomorrow around 1:30 on her shoulder. She fell at church on Sunday and now has a crushing break. Um I'm really nervous...A few years ago she had heart surgery..she went in for a single by-pass..which turned into a quadruple by-pass surgery.They ran a ton of tests today to make sure she is up for the surgery...She is diabetic, which runs its own risks with any surgery. Her kidney functions were low, but this afternoon they were getting better. All of her doctors approved the surgery after running all these crazy tests on her heart and lungs and kidneys...So She will be fine. She has to be fine. She's going to be fine.

I hate hospitals they freak me out. The only good thing that comes out of a hospital is a baby. Knowing my 81 year-old grandma is going to have surgery scares the crap out of me. I hate thinking about it. So I just don't...I don't talk about it. I don't want to worry about it...because its Grandma she's always strong. Never needs a helping hand. I get my stubborness from her I'm sure.

I'm pretty sure Callie knows when something is bothering me because she doesn't try to play with me or fight with me like her normal playful self. She just cuddles up on my lap and keeps me company. She's a good kitty.

I'm glad I have Nadeem right now. I don't know what I would do without his reassurance. He keeps reminding me my grandma will be fine....I just have to keep remembering that.

He is my best friend. I'm a total brat to him and most of the time I don't think I deserve him. He is really too good for me and I'm still trying to figure out why he has kept me around for so long.

Alright this is way too deep.

Later.

"Love of my life,
My soul mate...
You're my best friend..."

I am soo excited!! I made a 101 on my stat test!!!! which is a VERY VERY GREAT thing!!! One. because I totally slept through my last test...so I have to drop that sucker. Two. because I just needed to do good on this test.

So I had my drug/alcohol screening today...and I'm not going to lie I have a really hard time peeing when I know someone is listening or waiting for me...So needless to say I drank lots and lots and lots of water so I wouldn't have a problem...mistake...I got there around 1:40...with a full bladder...and they didn't ask me to come back until almost an hour later!!! I was ready to burst. Oh dear...but No worries that's done with. I didn't eat any poppyseeds or anything like that so it won't look like I am taking heroin or opium. so that's good.

I stopped by my momma's work to have some lunch...did the drug test now here I sit.

I bought the new AVRIL CD about a week ago and I am in love with it.....and it makes me sad that Nadeem almost didn't let me listen to "that crap" on the way home but....I have never ever complained about his music. so we listened to it. and I know for sure he likes at least one song...he just needs to give the rest a chance.

School is soooo soo close to being over...I can't wait. or maybe I can I'm a little bit aprehensive about this new job thing...all of this paper work and tests and medical exams are making me nervous. It's like I'm really going to be doing something. and that is scary. Sue, one of the ladies I will be working for, is in touch with many many PTs so we are going to lunch one day so I can ask all the questions I want...So I can be sure PT is really what I want to go into. She is also going to arrange maybe some work in a PT office, which would be awesome!!

I just don't want to go to school...all of this basic crap is killing me...and IF IF I go into PT I have to transfer to Roane State to do there 2for2 college thing thru TTU....The problem is I have already applied for so many scholarships at Pelli. that if I do get some of those...they don't transfer...and that sucks.

Sue telling me about all these meetings she can set up for me with all these different PTs is a definite sign that maybe this is really what I am supposed to be doing with my life. How many people can say...hey my aunt works at this place and they had an open temp position, so I took it...then the wonderful lady I worked under introduced me to the people who I work for now? ---this probably isn't making sense...oh well who cares it doesn't have to.

I just don't want to go to Roane State but if that's what I need to do for my career.. that's what I need to do.

boo. I have to start working on my spanish project.

later.

I'm a working girl again...except not yet. I have to pass a drug test and all that jazz.

I am so happy I get to be a for real employee. well temporary for real employee haha.

filing. computer input. phone calls. working with some pretty cool people.

I'm excited to get started!

Today is Jacy's Birthday! thats cool I think we are going to eat and maybe to a movie?

well that's it

There are only oh about 8 days left of school! which is nice.

that's it.

Right now I really should be working on a project I have due tomorrow.

I went to the City/County Bldg. today to take a typing test....I am applying for a job as an office assistant. HOPEFULLLY---this will work out. I will get to work with my aunt which would be AWESOME! So I passed my test...I was nervous...I didn't need to be but oh well...

If that works out.....I will be temporary full-time this summer. which would be amazing...because then I could pay for my trip to Europe next summer!!!

In other news...My aunt is having twins...they are due in October...the thing is...She wants me to move down to Georgia and live with them for FALL semester...the whole time!>! oh man...this is big news. well it would only be from beginning of October possibly late Sept. to December when they come up here for Christmas...At first Mom jokingly said "oh Jamie should come down to help you"...buttttt now my aunt is serious about it...I would be a live-in nanny...Full-time taking care of two newborns...a 3 year old...and then there is Christian who will be 14...so he might help some...but he has school...So I will be the 'mom' during the day. HOLY crap talk about birth control.

***Up-side*** I will get to spend 3 months doing nothing but babysitting...Hanging out with little miracles all day...I will get an 'allowance' and free room/board.

***Down-side*** I will be babysitting for 3 months.-non-stop-. I will be away from Nadeem...ALL of my friends....my Mommy....What will I do in the off-chance I am not playing 'mom'...?

Another big thing...School. I have applied for all of these scholarships...what happens if I get them? isn't there some kind of contract that says I have to go to school for the whole year? not just spring semester? I need to research that. There is a possibilty I could take a full course load online...but hello...two babies...and a toddler...and school? how...I mean I guess it is very possible...people have full time jobs/babies/go to school...if they can do it who says I can't?

Nadeem doesn't know this is a real possibility yet...I don't know what he will say...

Ok so I need to do this project.

Later.

Jamie